She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
