I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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