made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
