you mean i was at the winter classic?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
