Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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