I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
