We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
