I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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