I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
