Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
