was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
