never play flip cup with pint glasses
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
