theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
