a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
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Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
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Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
They have beer where we have blood.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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