She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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