Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Randomize
