I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
