I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
