three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
