I want to make a zoo with you.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
