she takes plan B like it's going out of style
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
