I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
