ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
