drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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