I wish life had little blips of pornography
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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