Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
