His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
