I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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