Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
