The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
