the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
