The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
