She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
