Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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