nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
