peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
