i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
