And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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