STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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