I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I didn't notice because vodka
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
