I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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