I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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