True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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