I am spending my child support on dildos
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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