why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
