She said her name was "party"
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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