I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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