He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
