i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
