i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
