I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
