Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
