What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
