my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
