I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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