If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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