There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
