i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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