oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
