She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
